By our resident marine biologist and crime reporter, Argus Tuft

While the rest of the world is nursing a New Year’s Eve hangover, poor
little Fiji is waking up to the unpleasant fact that 2008 is unlikely to
see any easing up in the disastrous rampage of the marauding CHODOPU$$ .

Banned from entering the waters of neighbouring countries and spurned by
the European Community, the CHODOPU$$ thrives in Fiji where it enjoys the
protection of a whole army. This gives it the freedom to continuously
and explore in its unrelenting pursuit of its two favourite foods – power
and money.

While the rest of us have only two arms and hands with which to go about our
honest daily labours to put food on the table, the CHODOPU$$ is a furtive
bottom feeder with eight slimy tentacles.

These tentacles can reach into dark, morbid locations that ordinary animals
instinctively eschew, such as the brain of the mad Bainimarama pig.

Armed with powerful suction caps that enable the CHODOPU$$ to get a
strangle hold on eight separate prey at any one time, each tentacle is
capable of skilfully manipulating a victim to squeeze out what the
CHODOPU$$ needs,be it simply broad compliance or, more specifically, the
vast sums required to feed its greedy appetite.

The high energy levels of the CHODOPU$$ are ascribed to its affinity with
sugar, while the animal’s ability to operate outside the law is put down
the fact that the CHODOPU$$ has long been host to an assortment of
parasites that act to defend their host.

Not wanting to confuse readers with long scientific names, we can instead
use simple layman’s terms to describe these parasites. “Hangers-on” and
“wannabes” are two that spring to mind.

By careful manipulation, including awarding key positions to its
accompanying parasites, the CHODOPU$$ is able to not only maintain its
regular feeding patterns but also to find and protect new sources of

Another reason the CHODOPU$$ thrives in good seasons and bad is its habit of
stashing away reserve supplies, something it does on a regular basis. In a
remarkable coincidence, two completely different discipline have coined the
same scientific term for these extensive covert caches. Both marine
and straight cops call them “secret overseas bank accounts.”

A striking feature of this ugly animal is its immunity to ailments that
regularly claim victims among more susceptible species.

In particular, three potentially fatal diseases from which the CHODOPU$$
appears to suffer no ill-effects are the annual taxation epidemic,
outbreaks of tax auditing and that now rare health hazard commonly known as
hard-nosed objective investigative journalism.

But due to its low numbers, the CHODOPU$$ is officially regarded as a rare
species and this may account for the fact that it’s fiercely protective of
its young.

Certain observers have watched it painstakingly setting up a well hidden
lair for its male offspring (in Brisbane, of all places!) and assiduously
training the child in typical CHODOPU$$ behavioural rituals, such as
stacking key organizations with grateful fellow travellers.

The same observers note that while the CHODOPU$$’s current phase of
frenzied activity is due to end early in 2009, there is every indication
that this freakish eight-armed monster is already looking for ways to
begin its next phase.

Eminent marine biologists have wildly different theories about many
aspects of this weird creature, but all agree on one thing: there is
little doubt 2008 will be another busy year for the voracious,
bottom-feeding, money-hungry, power-mad and “into everything” CHODOPU$$.

As a public service to assist Fiji people to keep track of developments
over the next 12 months we publish the 2008 CHODOPU$$ Into Everything

The calendar will allow you to mark those dates when the CHODOPU$$ claims
a new victim, tells another lie or appoints another parasite to a key

And it may also serve as a helpful reminder that, thanks to CHODOPU$$, an
increasing number of ordinary people in Fiji are discovering that the only
way to survive 2008 will be to take each day as it comes.



  1. Peace Pipe Says:

    This monster is the only reason Fiji is in deep shit we are in today. It has to be eliminated with utmost ugency if Fiji is to survive. His presence in all coups are testament to this. One the first action in 2008 – bring into cabinet another FLP member Ricketts. It’s already started before we could even blink our eyes at the start of 2008. I say he should go somehow or the other this curse of the nation.

  2. natewaprince Says:

    Does this mean he won’t be standing in the next elections? What about his lapdog Leka vei Ram and the $ 2 man,will thet also stand down??

    Qo sara qai pote tu o ira na tamata tabetabe era sa lau caqe tu qo.Dou tini i vei dou vei vutu.I vei na gusu levu dou vakaraitaka tiko?Va bibi na tamata liumuri ya o Navakamocea.

    WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. natewaprince Says:

    Should be $50 man,the bastard.

  4. epeli Says:

    Wow,these seems to be an old blog? Nothing new on this site?

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