Fiji rugby boycott stays

by international sports editor, Argus Tuft

The year-long boycott of Fiji’s interim Rugby team by other rugby playing

nations is to continue.

International rugby adopted its tough stance after touch rugby third grader,
BainiBananas, and his club, The Goons, wrested control of Fiji rugby on 5
December 2006 and named themselves the interim first XV, despite not
having
gone through any selection trials.

One year on, BainiBananas remains unimpressed by the rugby world’s attitude.

“Them people is stupid,” he said today. “Cos they don’t know nothing about
nothing. Specially Fiji rugby. The game was corrupt. I is right. They is
wrong.”

In a blistering attack on the former Fiji first XV, he said their
supremacy in open and fair competition had in fact been a disservice to
rugby in Fiji.

“It was all very unfair and made me real upset” he shouted angrily.

“The crowds only supported teams that played according to the
internationally recognised rules. We never won nothing because we could
only watch from the sidelines. The referees were corrupt. We never got a
share of the gate takings. We have all the facts. We can even prove they
used a ball that was full of thin air. So it was my solemn duty to
clean-up the game.”

Fiji rugby has certainly changed since the “clean up” began.

Some of Fiji’s most respected senior referees and linesmen have been banned
for life and replaced by people who move their lips when they read the
comics.

Since BainiBananas assumed the dual role of Green Goons captain-coach and
Chief Fiji Rugby Union Referee, at least three onlookers been killed.

In another major upset, a senior foreign diplomat was thrown out of the
country for attending a match and sitting in the wrong chair.

On-field tactics have also undergone big changes. Led by hulking,
low-browed
second-rower, Driti, the forwards favoured strategy is to target
individual
opponents and then kick them very hard in the face.

The interim rugby administration has cracked down on crowd control. Anyone
heard barracking for the other side is summarily roughed up and made to do
100 press-ups before running round the ground 20 times.

In the unlikely event the opposing side gets a free kick, the Goons’
number one corporate sponsor, Moneybags Chodopu$$, immediately moves the
goalposts.

BainiBananas calls this progress, but many in Fiji believe rugby has
suffered.

Shortly after the takeover, opponents of interim rugby set up covert cyber
blogs to post scathing criticisms of BainiBananas and his Goons.

Most popular of these anti interim rugby blogs was Why Rugby is Dying (WRD).
In its heyday, WRD provided daily reports of match-fixing, dirty play,
referee-bribing and allocation of private boxes to selected Goons
supporters.

But those charges were angrily denied by the Goons’ tiny band of
supporters.

“Protecting the rights of opposing players is really, really important.
But under most circumstances that does not necessarily extend to their
being permitted, for example, to be in possession of the ball, especially
if it’s near the Goons’ try-line” said Dr Maryjane Shyster, who roots for
the Goons.

Maryjane heads the Fiji Rugby Players’ Rights Commission and got a PhD with
her brilliant thesis, Bulldust and Other Truths: Comparative Analyses of
Inverse and Perverse Perspectives That Selectively Substantiate Rights of
Wrongs.

“Look, let’s get real baby! Any fool knows that from the moment the whistle
blows the game of rugby is all about possessions of the ball!

“So what’s wrong if the Goons act on a reasonable suspicion that an opposing
player might be thinking about gaining possession at some stage in a game?

“Based on my clear understanding and learned interpretation of the law, the
Goons have all the legal and moral authority they need to beat the crap
out of someone, if that’s what makes them happy”

she explained between deep drags on a funny looking cigarette.

Recently, in a major concession to critics at home and abroad,
BainiBananas
pledged he would allow a friendly match to be played under the old rules at
some point in early 2009.

But it’s not certain he will stick to this timetable. Fiji people could be
in for a much longer wait until they can take this important step towards
restoring the much-loved game to its former glory.

For one thing, under a “Players’ Charter” now being introduced, the captain
and members of Fiji’s former First XV would be excluded from competition.

For another, the self-appointed captain-coach has warned that if criticism
of his administration continues, the friendly could be postponed.

“It’s all about keeping rugby clean and fair,” said a straight-faced
BainiBananas.

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